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Flaky Feelings...

One dew drenched evening, still we sat
our eyes floating under the ocean of stars.
The breeze drifted into a delirium
and that one night had you open your heart.

But the morning came and took you back
to where you smile between your fears.
My open arms you withdrew from
and knowingly I had shed no tear.

Since that day you're afraid to sleep
Your bloodshot eyes tell no lie
A bowl of sun and a drop of pain
is all you'll dream when you close your eyes.


~Proma
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Comments

Vivek Sharma said…
A one too many line inversions apart*, the poem has a wistful feel to it. Some nice rhymes, fear tears, i eyes lie eye etc.

*"still, we sat" is weird for example
June 5, 2007 at 7:07 AM
Proma said…
Vivek : Thanks for the tip :) Whats a line inversion ?
June 5, 2007 at 9:33 AM
Vishwas said…
very nice indeed proma :). I think the 1st two paragraphs set the tone very well. The last para didn't give me the closure. Overall I love the choice of words, the flow and the rhyme. Great job! Now I am inspired to give a poem a shot :)
June 6, 2007 at 6:25 AM
Proma said…
Thanks Vishwas . And go ahead I'm waiting to see some of your poetry. People spill out their deepest secrets there lol !!!
June 8, 2007 at 2:55 PM
GS said…
Did you mean "A bowl of sun and a drop of pain" or is it "rain" ? (Don't think so..that would be too obvious)

I like the unusual structure - leaves more to the imagination. Sometimes we try to tell too much...

I've just written something you will probably understand a lot better. I've no kids but I just felt the urge to write that...dunno why...

Anyway - looking forward to your comments:

http://gs-synchronicity.blogspot.com/

Cheers!

GS
June 13, 2007 at 9:40 AM
Vivek Sharma said…
No new posts:(

Line inversion "My open arms you withdrew from" in normal English is

You withdrew from my open arms.

So you have an inversion there.

Poems are full of inversions, especially the poems that require rhymes at the end; but an inversion is like wearing your jacket inside out:) It may or may not work/look good.

Inversion: http://www.tnellen.com/cybereng/lit_terms/inversion.html

The technical hogwash of poetry is something I am learning as well: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anastrophe
and
http://tuhs.ttsd.k12.or.us/library/tuhslib/researchpacket/lit_termsppacket_9_03.pdf

An example of how poems are butchered when you meet with the pros: http://poetry.about.com/library/weekly/aanotes.htm

:) Just forget about all of the above and keep writing. The more you write, the better readers feel, I mean better the writing gets.
June 17, 2007 at 4:48 PM
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