One dew drenched evening, still we sat
our eyes floating under the ocean of stars.
The breeze drifted into a delirium
and that one night had you open your heart.
But the morning came and took you back
to where you smile between your fears.
My open arms you withdrew from
and knowingly I had shed no tear.
Since that day you're afraid to sleep
Your bloodshot eyes tell no lie
A bowl of sun and a drop of pain
is all you'll dream when you close your eyes.
~Proma
our eyes floating under the ocean of stars.
The breeze drifted into a delirium
and that one night had you open your heart.
But the morning came and took you back
to where you smile between your fears.
My open arms you withdrew from
and knowingly I had shed no tear.
Since that day you're afraid to sleep
Your bloodshot eyes tell no lie
A bowl of sun and a drop of pain
is all you'll dream when you close your eyes.
~Proma
Comments
*"still, we sat" is weird for example
I like the unusual structure - leaves more to the imagination. Sometimes we try to tell too much...
I've just written something you will probably understand a lot better. I've no kids but I just felt the urge to write that...dunno why...
Anyway - looking forward to your comments:
http://gs-synchronicity.blogspot.com/
Cheers!
GS
Line inversion "My open arms you withdrew from" in normal English is
You withdrew from my open arms.
So you have an inversion there.
Poems are full of inversions, especially the poems that require rhymes at the end; but an inversion is like wearing your jacket inside out:) It may or may not work/look good.
Inversion: http://www.tnellen.com/cybereng/lit_terms/inversion.html
The technical hogwash of poetry is something I am learning as well: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anastrophe
and
http://tuhs.ttsd.k12.or.us/library/tuhslib/researchpacket/lit_termsppacket_9_03.pdf
An example of how poems are butchered when you meet with the pros: http://poetry.about.com/library/weekly/aanotes.htm
:) Just forget about all of the above and keep writing. The more you write, the better readers feel, I mean better the writing gets.