It has been twenty years since you left. Twenty years that I have not seen you. Honest to God, I don’t completely remember your face now. Only that smile, those hazel eyes, and your green striped shirt that later, someone stole from your clothesline on a summer afternoon. That summer remember, we stole mangoes from whichever garden we could, and attempted to cook chutney. And the aftermath – burnt coils of the electric heater and a blackened saucepan.
I wonder why even after all these years, a gentle sprinkle of your memories, unleashes a strong flow of emotions that occupy those corners of my mind that normally don’t exist in my everyday life. I don’t like it. I don’t like that you come so close to me but only in a dream. I can neither touch you nor make you go away. You tease me like a freshly popped champagne bottle spilling out froth. That froth that burns my fingertips, but never wets them enough. And slowly, precipitates away into nothing.
You are not “nothing” in my life. You are my first love. The kind of love they say you get only once. The kind they say you “give” only once.
The true value of the thing lost can be weighed by its remains. When you left, what remained was a special kind of emptiness. I say a special kind because it couldn’t be replaced. I couldn’t let that happen. Because if I did, the value of my emptiness would prove to be less than the value of your memories that remained. I am selfish you see. I am too proud. Losing you, did not make me any humbler. In my pride I let, the froth burn my fingers. And then I “let” it precipitate away, into emptiness.
I wonder why even after all these years, a gentle sprinkle of your memories, unleashes a strong flow of emotions that occupy those corners of my mind that normally don’t exist in my everyday life. I don’t like it. I don’t like that you come so close to me but only in a dream. I can neither touch you nor make you go away. You tease me like a freshly popped champagne bottle spilling out froth. That froth that burns my fingertips, but never wets them enough. And slowly, precipitates away into nothing.
You are not “nothing” in my life. You are my first love. The kind of love they say you get only once. The kind they say you “give” only once.
The true value of the thing lost can be weighed by its remains. When you left, what remained was a special kind of emptiness. I say a special kind because it couldn’t be replaced. I couldn’t let that happen. Because if I did, the value of my emptiness would prove to be less than the value of your memories that remained. I am selfish you see. I am too proud. Losing you, did not make me any humbler. In my pride I let, the froth burn my fingers. And then I “let” it precipitate away, into emptiness.
Comments
You embellish it well with the details such as the charred aftermath of the mango chutney, and the champagne froth.
"I don’t like that you come so close to me but only in a dream. I can neither touch you nor make you go away."
"The true value of the thing lost can be weighed by its remains."
These parts stood out to me; the sentiment they express rings very true.
Wish I had time to write longer posts.....and stories. Thanks for reading, I know I haven't been good at updating my blog of late :(
I really hope that I will get better readers here who at least understand a little about creativity, expression and art.
To everyone who reads this post - this is not all about my life and love for that matter, although there may be shades from my life !
And even THEY WERE completely based on my own life, noone can stop me from writing what I feel like!!!
If you don't like reading it , then don't ! simple as that.
first love is so nice just because it's our first and craziest and we are still learning about love, life, school and grocery shopping. we cherish it because we cherish our youth, when no mistakes had been made, because there was no time for them. i miss my 1st, 2nd and 3rd love, but i am happy with my 4th.
marijana
I love the way you put -love, life, school and grocery shopping in the same line !!!!
So true ! So true !
Here is the cliche then (and you repeat your own cliche...) "corners of my mind that normally don’t exist in my everyday life" You need to get rid of those corners;)
This post flows Proma. Now I will look at the next episode.
That apart, I agree to the post completely. Somehow, there is always an emptiness in you, after the first love.. i feel that way, four years and two more relationships later. I only hope i dont feel that 20 years later. And if I do, I also hope, she is feeling the same way wherever she is and however happy.
Lol. delirious. Blame ur lucid writing, not me. Brilliant post Proma. Loved it.
I want to frame "feelings" and emotions that might be lost through passing years
(as wisdom makes me more forgetful as it makes me forgiving )
I'm glad you liked the post :)
This is some of your finest writing. Ever.
And this time, I will not forget this post :)