Jan 1st, 2007
-11:00am
-Savannah, GA
Rumble- rumble …..Sshhh… Again, rumble - rumble.
Shyla’s heart skipped two beats! Was that her baby moving? This was the first time that the baby had moved. Shyla felt her tummy with her hands. Her face was still; her hands glued to the small belly. Something powerful went between her fingers. The movement of life, felt intensely alien at first; but the second shudder turned her fears into an awakening understood only by those who have experienced it. A little bump appeared at one end and then tumbled across to the other side of her belly. “Ma!” cried Shyla. Her mother came running into the room from the kitchen where she had been preparing lunch.
“Ma, it’s the baby moving”.
The two women sat close to each other, their faces flushing with excitement. For half an hour they followed every little movement, with eager eyes, un-relinquished enthusiasm and squeals of laughter.
******
Four months ago, Liz had welcomed her daughter home. She came with a suitcase full of CDs and cheap clothes. She was pale, alone and completely nauseated when she had arrived. But, she still had the little live fetus inside her. Liz had spent sleepless nights worrying for her pregnant daughter and how she was going to raise a child alone. And then she said to herself, “Just like I have, she will too”.
Shyla felt her life was going to change for ever. The baby was here to stay. And she was going to be the mother, forever. She felt tremendous regret that Eric did not want it. He hadn’t called since the last time they had the argument, outside the abortion clinic. Shyla wanted to keep the baby. Eric left her there, and had driven back alone. Before leaving he had given her a thousand dollars.
June 21st, 2007
-4:00pm
-Near Savannah, GA
Eric opened the window to let the cigarette smoke out. He couldn’t keep the window open for more than a few minutes since the sun was still pretty harsh. He had been driving for almost four hours now. While driving past Macon, he had stopped by a gift shop and bought a porcelain lamp for Shyla, one he thought she might like. Eric wondered if he should have bought anything for their baby. But he did not even know its sex; only that it was born 3 weeks ago. When Liz had picked up the phone last night, he had simply said, “Can I see Shyla tomorrow?”
For nine months Eric thought he had prepared himself for this. He was wrong. It had actually taken him his entire life to get ready for this moment.
He felt vaguely released off a great burden. The burden of trying to save his life. The pressure of preparing to survive. It was replaced by the joy of simply living; and with it the loving came back. The agonizing defeat that he experienced everyday from hating himself, drifted away silently without his even realizing it.
(Last part this thursday..)
-11:00am
-Savannah, GA
Rumble- rumble …..Sshhh… Again, rumble - rumble.
Shyla’s heart skipped two beats! Was that her baby moving? This was the first time that the baby had moved. Shyla felt her tummy with her hands. Her face was still; her hands glued to the small belly. Something powerful went between her fingers. The movement of life, felt intensely alien at first; but the second shudder turned her fears into an awakening understood only by those who have experienced it. A little bump appeared at one end and then tumbled across to the other side of her belly. “Ma!” cried Shyla. Her mother came running into the room from the kitchen where she had been preparing lunch.
“Ma, it’s the baby moving”.
The two women sat close to each other, their faces flushing with excitement. For half an hour they followed every little movement, with eager eyes, un-relinquished enthusiasm and squeals of laughter.
******
Four months ago, Liz had welcomed her daughter home. She came with a suitcase full of CDs and cheap clothes. She was pale, alone and completely nauseated when she had arrived. But, she still had the little live fetus inside her. Liz had spent sleepless nights worrying for her pregnant daughter and how she was going to raise a child alone. And then she said to herself, “Just like I have, she will too”.
Shyla felt her life was going to change for ever. The baby was here to stay. And she was going to be the mother, forever. She felt tremendous regret that Eric did not want it. He hadn’t called since the last time they had the argument, outside the abortion clinic. Shyla wanted to keep the baby. Eric left her there, and had driven back alone. Before leaving he had given her a thousand dollars.
June 21st, 2007
-4:00pm
-Near Savannah, GA
Eric opened the window to let the cigarette smoke out. He couldn’t keep the window open for more than a few minutes since the sun was still pretty harsh. He had been driving for almost four hours now. While driving past Macon, he had stopped by a gift shop and bought a porcelain lamp for Shyla, one he thought she might like. Eric wondered if he should have bought anything for their baby. But he did not even know its sex; only that it was born 3 weeks ago. When Liz had picked up the phone last night, he had simply said, “Can I see Shyla tomorrow?”
For nine months Eric thought he had prepared himself for this. He was wrong. It had actually taken him his entire life to get ready for this moment.
He felt vaguely released off a great burden. The burden of trying to save his life. The pressure of preparing to survive. It was replaced by the joy of simply living; and with it the loving came back. The agonizing defeat that he experienced everyday from hating himself, drifted away silently without his even realizing it.
(Last part this thursday..)
Comments
Change the earlier part everytime you write what follows... change it so that the whole series is the best possible outcome of an effort spread over time (my own fault was I tried to leave my mistakes, and then soap becomes a soup, a soup of the unappetizing kinds)
1. Grammar - certain passages lack structure and a few sentences can be reworked.
2. Choice of words - "the tummy" to "her tummy" with more detail added - "She tentatively placed her palms on her distended belly where a new life was actively exploring the confines of her womb"
Something to add more drama and to create the "video" in the reader's mind. I've always noticed that good writers are capable of creating an image of the scene...only the best can create a full motion picture in your head :)
The story also seems to be headed in a different trajectory from what I had originally anticipated...suddenly the potential for reconciliation has increased :) I may be wrong - but I'll wait for the final part...
Keep em coming!!! :)
Please add details, follow some of the precise and insightful suggestions of GS and if you need to, change length and size of first and second part:)
You thought writing a piece was cakewalk. And now you find out, you need to grow the wheat and make the flour too. Its hard work:)
Enjoy the process... and looking forward to next part... but also looking forward to parts gone by REVISED
GS: Wait for the finale ;)
looking forward to more suggestions/comments