June 21st 2007
5:40pm
Savannah, GA
Shyla’s little ranch home was tucked away behind the row of weeping willows. More dreary looking houses and an abandoned truck rusting by the street, made the scenery look even sadder. It was hard to imagine that inside one of those old withdrawn houses, a newborn was trying to see the world with twinkle eyes in all amazement.
Eric had parked on the street and was now walking towards the little ranch home. He had not noticed the adjoining houses, nor that the driveway ended into a worm-infested narrow mud pathway leading towards the house. He could see nothing, as his insides couldn ’t bear another iota of sensory impulse. Or perhaps, he, standing at this moment, still and alone, on grounds completely alien, was shielded from everything outside of his own chosen senses. He felt strangely calm, as if he had just come walking out alive from the dead. As he stood in front of the large wooden door now, loud heartbeats thumped against his ringing heart. A touch of air blew a few flecks of hair off his forehead. Eric felt deep suspense all of a sudden. For a second, that made him aware of the unexpected, the unknown, and the inevitable. For a second he felt he was going to meet his mother. Was the notion of reunion with his dead mother a reflection or a reaction to his abandonment of the negative forces in his life? Had he really come full circle? It had taken him this long to open himself up and lay it out for someone, to love. And in return, in the cradle of his freshly open heart, he wished to care for his own child.
The doorbell was unfashionably loud. Inside, someone’s footsteps crept up softly towards Eric’s direction. The door flung open to unveil Shyla ’s beautiful face, softer and paler than he remembered. Her liquid eyes gazed unflinchingly at him. God only knows what all emotions she was going through at this moment. And perhaps from the burden of them all, she hugged Eric and cried as he gently caressed her head. Seconds later Liz came out and hugged him briefly.
They sat around the dining table. Liz went out to the patio to smoke a cigarette. But really, they all knew Liz’s ways of not interfering unnecessarily in her daughter’s affairs. Shyla looked at her mother walk into the garden, and the cigarette burning between her quick nervous fingers. No one spoke anything. Eric was overcome with guilt, looking at Shyla’s tired face and innocent eyes. “She looks so pale” thought he. But as the silence grew, Eric couldn’t restrain his desire for an unbridled reunion with their baby. He looked at Shyla, and was about to open his mouth to ask about the baby, when her eyes, changing their expression into a deep cutting gaze, stopped Eric.
“I’m sorry you’re late Eric”.
Eric couldn’t understand. What was she implying?
“No no no Shyla ! I mean to take care of you forever. I love you both !” he cried.
Shyla buried her face in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably. Eric still didn’t understand. What was happening now was not what his mind had been planning for weeks. All that he wanted was to take them home. That would be all it would take for him to come full circle. For the first time in his life he had been ready for a compromise. A compromise between what he knew he couldn’t get but that made him happy, and what he could get that didn’t make him happy. And now, at this moment of suspended suspense, he felt himself hinged over the outcome of his endeavor, and Shyla’s puzzled words.
Shyla’s face fell. Then sharply she brought it up and looking straight at Eric said, “You never called”.
“I gave him away”.
Eric's face turned white as the words struck him. Shyla turned away from his look, cringing slightly. After a long pause, Eric attempted to get up from his chair, and stumbled somewhat in doing so. Slowly, very slowly, he walked out of the door, towards his car. As the receding evening cast a sweet spell of earthy colors over his anguished face, he walked away...
5:40pm
Savannah, GA
Shyla’s little ranch home was tucked away behind the row of weeping willows. More dreary looking houses and an abandoned truck rusting by the street, made the scenery look even sadder. It was hard to imagine that inside one of those old withdrawn houses, a newborn was trying to see the world with twinkle eyes in all amazement.
Eric had parked on the street and was now walking towards the little ranch home. He had not noticed the adjoining houses, nor that the driveway ended into a worm-infested narrow mud pathway leading towards the house. He could see nothing, as his insides couldn ’t bear another iota of sensory impulse. Or perhaps, he, standing at this moment, still and alone, on grounds completely alien, was shielded from everything outside of his own chosen senses. He felt strangely calm, as if he had just come walking out alive from the dead. As he stood in front of the large wooden door now, loud heartbeats thumped against his ringing heart. A touch of air blew a few flecks of hair off his forehead. Eric felt deep suspense all of a sudden. For a second, that made him aware of the unexpected, the unknown, and the inevitable. For a second he felt he was going to meet his mother. Was the notion of reunion with his dead mother a reflection or a reaction to his abandonment of the negative forces in his life? Had he really come full circle? It had taken him this long to open himself up and lay it out for someone, to love. And in return, in the cradle of his freshly open heart, he wished to care for his own child.
The doorbell was unfashionably loud. Inside, someone’s footsteps crept up softly towards Eric’s direction. The door flung open to unveil Shyla ’s beautiful face, softer and paler than he remembered. Her liquid eyes gazed unflinchingly at him. God only knows what all emotions she was going through at this moment. And perhaps from the burden of them all, she hugged Eric and cried as he gently caressed her head. Seconds later Liz came out and hugged him briefly.
They sat around the dining table. Liz went out to the patio to smoke a cigarette. But really, they all knew Liz’s ways of not interfering unnecessarily in her daughter’s affairs. Shyla looked at her mother walk into the garden, and the cigarette burning between her quick nervous fingers. No one spoke anything. Eric was overcome with guilt, looking at Shyla’s tired face and innocent eyes. “She looks so pale” thought he. But as the silence grew, Eric couldn’t restrain his desire for an unbridled reunion with their baby. He looked at Shyla, and was about to open his mouth to ask about the baby, when her eyes, changing their expression into a deep cutting gaze, stopped Eric.
“I’m sorry you’re late Eric”.
Eric couldn’t understand. What was she implying?
“No no no Shyla ! I mean to take care of you forever. I love you both !” he cried.
Shyla buried her face in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably. Eric still didn’t understand. What was happening now was not what his mind had been planning for weeks. All that he wanted was to take them home. That would be all it would take for him to come full circle. For the first time in his life he had been ready for a compromise. A compromise between what he knew he couldn’t get but that made him happy, and what he could get that didn’t make him happy. And now, at this moment of suspended suspense, he felt himself hinged over the outcome of his endeavor, and Shyla’s puzzled words.
Shyla’s face fell. Then sharply she brought it up and looking straight at Eric said, “You never called”.
“I gave him away”.
Eric's face turned white as the words struck him. Shyla turned away from his look, cringing slightly. After a long pause, Eric attempted to get up from his chair, and stumbled somewhat in doing so. Slowly, very slowly, he walked out of the door, towards his car. As the receding evening cast a sweet spell of earthy colors over his anguished face, he walked away...
Comments
The part 2 was intended to be very "as it is" and fancy free. The ending is dramatic and I intended the part preceding that to be clean and short.
Lines like "She tentatively placed her palms on her distended belly where a new life was actively exploring the confines of her womb"
are very fanciful and made-up and in my opinion wouldn't work with the "feel" of the story.
Perhaps I have failed in translating the idea and more importantly the "feel" for the story as it builds up.
The reason for using unnecessary imagery is to build up the scenery leading to the end without getting completely lost in the characters. Eric is somewhat a lost soul, trying to find a balance in life.
I need to keep working on my structure to be able to tell a story as I want to without readers scratching their heads and saying- what was that (chuckle:))
I'm "feeling" it...Didn't expect that ending...I wasn't even close.
I like it...Part three provided the punch. I'm sure we can always go back and re-work our writings - but I'm the type to just keep writing new stuff...
I am utterly confused:(
Please edit the story, and make it cleaner (?)
Wrote u an email with my list of what I didn't get
I liked you choice of words, very simple yet complete. I like the use of short sentences, something that I am mow learning to do. My fav para was the one with Eric on the porch- I could totally relate to the depth of his confusions/emotions.
The ending was suiting. You could have very well had a hunky-dory finish with then all being happy but I like the fact that you didn't do that. Maybe Eric deserved a second chance, but how long must shyla wait...it is not fair on her.
I would like to know why he was throwing up in the beginning. Was it because he was nervous or was it because he had intoxicated himself so much so as to make the whole experience an easier one?
Cheers,
V
Thanks a lot for reading my story.
Actually you are correct in saying that Shyla's character was not developed adequately in the short(slightly longish you would say?) story. That is one of the challenges for a short story writer. I hope to learn a thing or two in that respect :)
As far as Eric's point of enlightenment is concerned, the process happens through the entire 9 months, but the point of culmination between the two phases was right before he begins driving towards Shyla's home. That was when he smokes a couple strong joints to dispel whatever inhibitions remained in his mind, before taking on the next step in life.
Eric pukes because of both intoxication and nervousness. U know people overdose themselves when they have doubts over the effectiveness of the drug against the severity of their mental challenge !
Thanks for reading :)
Left few comments on your page too ...